


Lose myself tonight

by embersandturquoise



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017), Call Me by Your Name - André Aciman
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Armie Hammer - Freeform, Boys In Love, CMBYN drabbles, CMBYN fix-it, Coming Out, Drabble, Elio has the guts, Elio loves Oliver, Fix-It, Fluff, Hiding, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Living A Lie, Lose myself tonight, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oliver loves Elio, Oneshot, Songfic, Timothee Chalamet - Freeform, Wordcount: 500+, Years Later, birthday boy - Freeform, mentioning of sex, somewhere in italy, summer of 1983, they deserve to be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-13 00:55:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28769670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embersandturquoise/pseuds/embersandturquoise
Summary: Elio and Oliver meet every year on Elio´s birthday.For one night they are united, then they live separate lives again.Elio can´t stand it any longer.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~"I pick up the phone and tears roll down my cheeks. I´m once more a seventeen-year-old boy at Channukah, listening to the sound of his voice telling me he is getting married."
Relationships: Oliver & Elio Perlman, Oliver/Elio Perlman
Comments: 14
Kudos: 34
Collections: CMBYN Love Song Challenge





	Lose myself tonight

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the CMBYN Love Song Challenge on Tumblr, based on the song "If I lose myself" by OneRepublic.  
> My Elio and Oliver-part for this challenge. Obviously I need a lot of fluff and comfort right now.  
> Enjoy.
> 
> Thanks for leaving kudos and comments. I love all of them. :*

[You might wanna listen to this...](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGx0rApSk6w)

_“_ _You can feel the light start to tremble_ _  
washing what you know out to sea.  
You can see your life out of the window, tonight...”_

My windows are open wide and I listen to the sounds echoing from the streets. People chattering and laughing... someone playing the guitar... I imagine myself back in the villa doing exactly that. This is where my mind wanders to every single night. My life in the summer of 1983...

It´s been ten years now. Ten years living a lie, living a pretense.

Ten years waiting for the one day we actually spend together every year.

It´s my birthday and I don´t care how he manages, but he always comes to see me this day.

The only truth that belongs to us is this room. I´ve booked it in advance for the next years. It´s a farce but it is romantic. At least I pretend to feel like that.

Running with your heart longing and broken for the rest of the year, yearning and hoping, living just for this one night to come – and then seeing it gone again.

We make love.

“Elio, Elio, Elio...”

I come violently all over his chest and he comforts me as I break down into his embrace. It always ends like this.

There is a life happening on the streets, but it´s not for me. I feel I´m left being only one half and the pieces that complete me are missing. Most of the times they truly are, though I try to make up for it.

But the truth is:

I can´t go on like this.

I will tell him.

I pick up the phone and tears roll down my cheeks. I´m once more a seventeen-year-old boy at Channukah, listening to the sound of his voice telling me he is getting married.

He left me once.

Then again.

And now we´ve made a living out of it.

“Oliver?”

“Elio... I miss you.”

“I don´t want to hear this.”

Silence. I can hear him breathing. He´s trying to gather words, trying to understand the meaning.

“I never want to hear us say that again. Don´t leave. Stay. Please... Oliver... Stay with me.”

He sighs and I can almost see his face contort with pain. Me making him choose. Me finally speaking out our truth. I know that he feels the same. I know. It´s just harder for him.

“Everytime you leave I feel like my heart shatters again. I just can´t... I can´t do this any longer. I need the remaining pieces of my heart.”

Or I´ll die...

_“If I lose myself tonight_ _  
It'll be you and I...”_

Later...

He came back.

He returned from the airport, where he had been waiting for his flight back to New York, which had been delayed.

Fate.

Serendipity.

Cunning ways of nature.

Call it what you want.

And he stayed.

We wrapped our lives around each other and finally we were able to shed the true nature of ourselves. It took some time. My family has always been open and supportive, his were and still are facing challenges accepting Oliver´s life decisions. It was hard for him, that´s why he had taken so long, that´s why he had lived in the shadows for half of his life. But we´ve made a change, a decision and it´s going to be a slow way. It will take us years, maybe forever.

“I never want to leave you again, Elio. I´m sorry I´ve caused you so much trouble.”

“I know. I know. I love you.”

“I love you.”

We´re buying a tiny cottage near the sea. We´ll even have our own orchard – peaches... and apricots...

I think back of the summer of 1983 as we wander over the grounds.

It had all been leading to this.

I pluck a peach from the trees and grin.

So many memories.

So many more to come...


End file.
